Episode 334 | Author: Emilie Aries

Today’s post is inspired by an email we received from a Bossed Up community member, Ashleigh, who wrote:

“I am a mom to a 12 month old. I found out I was pregnant about two weeks after starting my dream job in the fall of 2019. The timing was unexpected.
I had used all of Emilie’s tips to negotiate my salary for this healthcare marketing position - making 26k more, plus a better title and work environment!
I was so nervous/embarrassed to find out two weeks after starting that I would eventually need to tell them I was pregnant. To make matters worse, the big project I was hired for, a rebrand, was going to coincide with my maternity leave.
My boss was super supportive - positive and reassuring beyond my expectations! My big project was delayed by a year (unrelated to my leave) and all went well during my 12 weeks off. They welcomed me back with open arms and have been flexible with all of the child care challenges that COVID has thrown our way.
I have been back at work for 9 months, but I am totally burned out by working in healthcare communications during COVID-19, working from home 50+ hours a week, avoiding my science-denying family members during the election, teething, sleepless nights, etc... The thing is, I’m starting to wonder if my “dream job” is worth all the stress that the pandemic has thrown our way.
My boss is amazing and I feel like I owe her for being so flexible and supportive along the way, but I also feel like I owe my family (and myself) a little peace. I’m really struggling with this and wondering if/when/how I can create better work-life balance. I feel like I’ve worked 15+ years for this role and aside from the salary, the idea of changing my identity by cutting back on work is really throwing me for a loop. ‘Having it all’ in corporate America isn’t really all that it is portrayed to be.
There are probably five different podcast topics in here, but I wanted to share because I’m sure I’m not the only one who is questioning their priorities during such a crazy time in this world.”

You’re absolutely right, Ashleigh. You are not alone. Today I want to focus on why we’re made to feel like having a rewarding job and becoming a mother are so incompatible, and how we can change our expectations to create a more sustainable path forward.

Understanding the “Ideal Worker” Myth

We operate in a workplace that was originally designed for men who were presumed to have a wife at home caring for children and tending to the house. We all know things have changed, but has the expectation around what makes for an ideal worker? Not so much.

Brigid Schulte breaks down what she calls the “ideal worker myth” in her book, Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One has the Time. This social construct is based on the worker who is endlessly devoted to the office, has no personal priorities getting in the way of jumping into work at the drop of a hat, and can be “always on” if needed.

So Ashleigh, when you describe yourself as feeling “embarrassed” for becoming pregnant, it’s likely because you’re holding yourself up in comparison - whether consciously or unconsciously - to this mythological ideal worker. A pregnant woman is, by default, a deviation from the norm.

Now, imagine for a moment that we lived and worked in a world that wasn’t designed around men with wives at home to handle all things personal. Let’s pretend we lived in a world that valued women’s work - all of women’s work, both which has historically been paid and the important caretaking work that’s always created an invisible, unpaid “care economy” the entire world relies on to go around. In this imaginary place, the creation of new life would be deemed important labor, would it not? How would you feel about becoming pregnant two weeks into your new job then?

Sadly, we don’t live in that world. Instead, internalized patriarchy echoes in our own self-talk in the form of guilt (“Oh no! What selfish and embarrassing timing!”), righteous fear (“How will my boss or team react?”), and apology (“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.”).

How to create a better work-life balance as a new parent.

Change starts within

But here’s the good news: with conscious effort we can decide how we talk to ourselves about this kind of thing. We can reset our own inner expectations for ourselves - both personally and professionally. And then, from a place of compassion and courage, reset outer expectations by asking for what we need from the world around us.

The alternative - which I describe in my book, Bossed Up, as “the martyrdom mindset,” involves sacrificing your wellbeing and personal life endlessly to try and please those around you. And while it might seem like the most frictionless path forward at first, it’s not sustainable. Accepting that suffering is a necessary element for professional success wears you down over time, leading to burnout.

So, dear Ashleigh, you don’t owe your boss anything because she treated you with compassion. And you also don’t need to pull back simply because you can’t keep up with your prior pace. But you do owe it to yourself to ask for the conditions you need to be successful now, in your new normal. It’s time to reset your expectations for yourself - both at work and at home - and start resetting others’ expectations for you, too.

Here are a few ways to start:

1. Give yourself permission to get a B.

Remember the phrase, “C’s get degrees?” My perfectionistic personality never quite embraced that phrase, but there’s truth to it! To make this a bit more palatable, let’s remind ourselves that B’s get degrees, too. Bottom line: we do not need to be bringing our A-game to work every single day.

In fact, as an employer myself, I think of hiring and employing people like a long-term investment. You’re not going to get the same exact level of productivity out of people every day or in every season of their lives. What you’re hopefully paying for is the long-term investment they’re making in your business. The institutional knowledge, experience, and dedication they bring with them. That stuff is priceless! When workers do eventually leave, hiring a replacement takes a bunch of time, effort, and risk, and then you’re essentially starting from scratch. Turnover is expensive for employers, that’s why retaining talent is such a strategic priority.

So keep in mind, Ashleigh, if you’re not as productive as you were before becoming a parent or as a child-free replacement would be, are there other ways you bring added value at work? Do not discount your experience, wisdom, familiarity, and commitment. Those elements matter just as much - if not more - than the number of hours you’re putting in.

I counsel my job search clients who are trying to devote more time to the job search but find themselves completely bogged down at their day job, to experiment with giving 85% at work, as opposed to their usual 100% or 110%. More often than not - no one even notices.

2. Under-commit

We all know what it feels like to overcommit and underdeliver, right? In my book I have an entire chapter devoted to strategically pursuing long-term goals, and I share my own biggest bad habit: aspirational planning.

I stumble into this trap when I chronically underestimate how long tasks will take me, overbook my calendar as a result, and realize only retroactively that I’ve committed to taking on 80 hours of work in a 40 hour workweek. Oops!

While I used to consider this bad habit a sign of my devotion to the organization, I’ve come to recognize it as the reckless poor estimating that it is. When you constantly over-commit, you’re creating an organization-wide liability. If you don’t pull off some kind of time-traveling magic trick, balls are going to start to drop, deadlines will be missed, and a culture of under-delivering will permeate your entire department, team, or workplace.

Now is the time to try something different, which will require bossin’ up in a big way. Become a more accurate accountant of your time and you’ll be better and better able to project your capacity with accuracy. Start blocking out your time in your calendar if need be, or start time-tracking to gain a realistic sense of exactly how much time certain recurring tasks might take you. This will become the basis of your argument for saying “no” more, asking for help with re-shuffling your priorities, and generally setting more realistic deadlines for yourself and with others.

We have to understand that quality versus expediency is almost always at odds. So if you need more time to deliver your work with the quality you require of yourself, negotiate for more time early on in the process. Or lower the bar for yourself in terms of quality needed upon delivery. There’s nothing worse than a last-minute deadline being missed because you didn’t forecast appropriately.

Keep in mind, you don’t need to make these strategic calculations alone. Enlist your manager for support, set clear deliverables that outline both the task at hand and the quality with which you’re expected to deliver that task. This is a big component of what we cover in our Level Up Leadership Accelerator in our workshop on people management and delegation. You’ve got to be clear on your tasks and standards in order to budget accurately for the time you need to succeed.

3. Focus on your highest & best use

A timeless economics principle that’s been key for me as a manager and leader in recent years - especially as our team here at Bossed Up has grown - is the idea of knowing your “highest and best use.”

What is the most valuable work you can provide to your organization? What’s the special sauce that only you have to offer? The unique skills or expertise that folks across your company come to you for? Now, compare that to all the other stuff that clogs up your average day or week. All the work you’re doing that you could easily teach someone else to do if given the opportunity. Smart organizations focus on each member of the team on their zone of excellence and encourage delegating or out-sourcing the rest.

This is a concept worth discussing with your supervisor, especially when your time becomes more and more limited. Where are you best put to work on behalf of the organization? Where is your time being wasted? This isn’t a selfish conversation to have - it’s a strategic one. Every minute you spend doing work on behalf of your company, is a company dollar being allocated towards a certain goal. It’s prudent to make sure your time - and the organization’s money - aren’t being wasted.

If you’re your own boss, I encourage you to take the time to chronicle all the things you’re doing on a daily basis that could easily be outsourced - and go find out how much money you’d have to invest to actually make it happen. It may be less than you think - and it would free you up to focus your limited or diminishing time on the things you do best.

The same thing goes for labor around the home. I know money is not a resource many of us have a surplus of - but when your time becomes even more limited than your cash, it may be well worth the investment to bring in paid labor to help out around the house, too.

4. Ask for help

This brings me to the final way I’ve been resetting my own expectations for myself as a mom-to-be: asking for the help we all need. This one is tough for me. I’m so used to being self-reliant, independent, and doing things my own way.

But let me tell you: pregnancy is a humbling precursor to parenthood. I think we’re designed that way, right? To have to learn to ask for help before the baby arrives, to get in the habit of doing so.

When asking for help at work, I recommend these go-to phrases:

“Hey, can we look at my priorities together and make sure we’re aligned?”

This way, you’re enlisting your boss as a collaborator and problem-solver and framing your approach around empathy and wanting to be of the most support to them.

“I want to make sure this is done well, and I’m worried about my ability to meet the Friday deadline - can I get your help with this? Or can we move something else off my plate this week?”

This approach leads with your intent - getting the job done well and with quality - before asking for help. This explains the “why” before the “what” you’re asking for, and is more likely to yield a positive response.

“I’m over capacity, can we work together to refocus my time where I can be of the most use, and maybe tap (colleague) to help carry the load?”

Again, you’re enlisting your manager as a co-creator of the solution to your problem, plus, you’re offering up a suggestion for their consideration.

When asking for help at home, I like to focus on system change, so I don’t trigger defensiveness by sounding accusatory. By approaching it as a system failure, it feels less like your partner / family is failing you and more like we need to team up to tackle the problem together:

“Hey, the way we’re tackling grocery shopping feels like it’s just not working. Let’s take some time on Saturday to map out a better system after breakfast.”

I find it especially helpful to bring up the challenge before suggesting any solutions well in advance, to give them a heads up and some time to think about their own approach to solving the problem so they can come prepared to discuss it.

“I know keeping a tidy home makes us feel so much more relaxed and peaceful, but I’m exhausted from the amount of time I spend cleaning this house every weekend. I think it’s time we talk about investing in some paid help or find another way to maintain our standard of cleanliness together.”

Again, here we’re leading with intent - our desire to keep a tidy, peaceful home - before diving into our ask.

“To make sure our schedules are aligned for the week and we’ve got pick-up and drop-off time covered, let’s sync up on Sunday to look ahead and plan out our commutes together.”

Once again, we’re leading with intent and here we’re offering up a proposed solution to a recurring challenge.

I’ve found it especially important to not automatically assume responsibility for solving these problems on our own. There are challenges that impact more people than just you, right? They impact your work colleagues, your boss, your partner, and your broader family. Working moms don’t need to be the only problem-solvers - and if we start down that road, it becomes a slippery slope to being the default person who’s carrying the mental load for the entire office or household. And that’s not fair to anyone. While it might take a bit longer, I strongly encourage all of us to do the work of raising the challenge and then enlisting others in developing solutions.

At the end of the day, it’s so important to remember that this fleeting but precious period of time around welcoming a new child into your world is a majorly disruptive life event. It would be absolutely bonkers to think that your way of living and working wouldn’t change as a result.

We have to be kind and compassionate towards ourselves as we reset our own expectations - and then unapologetically reset others’ expectations of us as well.

Last week, when I shared podcast episode 331 with Daisy Dowling all about How to Find Sustainable Success as a Working Parent, my comments section blew up with words of wisdom from all kinds of parents who echoed these sentiments, too. I asked “How do working parents make it work?” and here’s what they said:

So Ashleigh, know that you’re not alone, and this time won’t last forever. So let’s show ourselves the same grace, compassion, and love that we show our little ones as we navigate this period of growth. We deserve it.

Got a career conundrum you want Emilie to cover on the podcast? Call and leave us a voicemail NOW at 910-668-BOSS(2677).

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